Levi the dancin' machine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dMIGme8Hyw

Lost but not forgotten...

At this time a year ago Aaron and I suffered a tremendous loss. Our first child died at the tender age of about 7 weeks gestation. My arms ached to hold him or her, and while I only saw them in a tiny, indistinguishable ultrasound picture, I felt like I knew them. I just wanted to give a loving "shout out" for my child, and re-post a blog from my myspace page. I feel like more people should be aware. (My post will be in black, the blue I am just passing along:

Thursday, March 08, 2007

We Miscarried
"Some have a lifetime, some have a day, love isn't something that's measured that way" - Author Unknown.
We miscarried around Thanksgiving 2006 and I had surgery in early December. Our baby lived about seven weeks, but the loss will last our lifetimes. When our baby died, sooo many people said the WRONG things to me, and although we've healed a lot since our loss, I still feel like there needs to be a Public Service Announcement for everyone regarding pregnancy loss. Did you know 1 in 4 women will experience a pregnancy loss? It is about 1 in every 3 pregnancies. Think about that for a minute. Think about all the women in your life, and think about the following information next time you hear about this tragedy hitting someone you know…

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counselling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbour or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labour 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

Do say, "I have lit a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker: Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition. Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me. -Author Unknown

Levi's Latest:

Levi had a good time at his first Thanksgiving. We were invited to a friend's house and we took the bouncy chair along to sit him in during the big dinner. He actually slept in it during dinner so it was a nice peaceful meal where Aaron and I could eat a hot meal at the same time. :) Actually, he is getting a little better now. I think the last post embarrassed him a little because he seems to maybe be turning a corner lately. Last night he slept for FIVE hours straight! It was wonderful, but at the same time, I was still wishing for a lot more sleep after waking up at 3:30 am. Fortunately he did sleep another hour to hour-and-a-half a couple more times after that, so all in all we probably got 7 hours of sleep. He is also going a little farther between feedings now, and as long as you keep your foot bouncing his vibrating chair he'll sit and look around for a bit before pitching a little fit. Slowly but surely he's getting better! Here are some of his latest pics...


Having fun in the bouncy chair...

Wondering who the next Husker coach will be...


Smiles on the changing table:
"Thanks for the clean diaper, Mom"!

Daddy always gets the smiles...

Six Weeks Old

It's hard to believe my little guy is six weeks old already. So far he's a pretty high-maintinance boy. He needs to be held almost all the time, and as soon as I try to lay him down he wakes up and starts squawking all over again. He doesn't want to be in his swing, sling, or bouncy chair. He wants a warm body All The Time. He also doesn't sleep well. (I know, newborns don't sleep well, But...) Even for a newborn he is an exceptionally poor sleeper, with poor eating habits. This guy needs to eat every hour to two hours around the clock. I couldn't believe it when I read he should be sleeping 15 out of 24 hours. He's not even close to that! Can you imagine how exhausted I am? I am actually typing this over his body since he's of course chowing down. I really hope he gets better as he gets a bit older. I'm doing the best job I can possibly do for him though, and I'm proud of myself for that. He sure is loved!

He sure is a cute little guy, huh? Here he is now at six weeks old:

My little boy is getting so big!

Levi went back to the pediatrician today for his one month check up. I can hardly believe he's already a month old. The last four weeks have been both the longest and shortest of my life at the same time.

He was born at 8lbs 7 1/2 ounces and at 20 1/2 inches long. Now four weeks later he's already at 10lbs 4oz, and 22 inches long! I guess his constant nursing has been doing him some good! I knew he was getting bigger because he's outgrown all his newborn clothes and he's into his 0-3 month stuff now. I'm sure it won't be long til he's too big for those too! He graduated to size one diapers for sure now.


While he was at the doctor's today he got a shot. I cried more than he did!!! I never thought it would be so hard to watch my baby cry, (that's what babies do, right?) but like everyone says, it SURE is different when it's your own child. I dread our appointment next month when he gets four shots in the same day! Oh heaven help me!

New Levi Pics:

Mommy and her little man:

Levi and Grandma Weber:

Boo! The camera flash was surprising! :

Precious Baby Boy! Mommy's nose on Daddy's beautiful face:

Bath time! It's a little cold in the kitchen:

Levi and Mr. Horsey from Uncle Zach and Annie:

Go Big Red! :

He may be sleeping, but he's not giving up the boob:

Birth Story

Birth Story

Tuesday, October 2nd I was now officially overdue. My ultrasound the day before showed the baby was fairly big. They were estimating him at 8lbs 10oz on his due date. I was only dilated about 1cm so Dr Johnson said I could go to the hospital for a cervix ripening gel at 11:00am to help me dilate further. I went in and got the gel and within 15 minutes it started my body into cramping and they sent me home after about an hour observation. I spent the rest of the day at home with the cramps getting worse and worse.

By 7:00pm Tuesday I was convinced I was in labor because the cramping/contractions were so bad I had a hard time sitting still, was breaking a sweat, and had to do deep breathing to get through them. We drove to the hospital thinking the baby would be here that night. Well when we got to the hospital and they got me hooked up to the fetal monitors and monitored me for an hour or so, they said that although I was in a lot of pain, the contractions were only “early labor” and not productive enough to do much to open my cervix. I cried and cried because I was in severe pain and I couldn’t believe they were sending me home in so much pain. At this point I was kind of scared because I didn’t know how to tell whether or not to drive back to the hospital when I was in “active labor.” We drove back home at about 11pm and I didn’t really get any sleep that night.

Wednesday, Oct 3rd I had another OB appt at 8:00am. Dr Johnson said I was only dilated to 2cm and said we needed to talk about the fact that the baby was estimating so large. He said that 8lbs 10oz isn’t all that big for some women, but there’s no way to tell if a baby will be too large for MY pelvis until we’re there in the delivery room. He wanted to go over with us the risks of trying to deliver a baby that may not fit through the birth canal and asked us if we wanted to consider an elective cesarean section for the safety of the baby. Or, we could go back into the hospital that afternoon for another dose of the cervical ripening gel and see if that second dose would do the trick.

We left the doctor’s office and went out for brunch to talk over the risks and decided to go ahead with another dose of the gel even though it was terrible for me the first time. We went back to the hospital for it at 3pm but they were so busy we had to wait for a room for over three hours. At around 6pm they hooked me back up to the monitors before giving me my second dose of the gel and determined I was contracting on my own and that they couldn’t give me another dose of the gel because of my contractions. They kept me for observation til about 9pm and called Dr Johnson who THANKFULLY was the doctor on call that night. He said if I wanted to that I could stay in the hospital and have the baby that night. We agreed, so I got into a labor and delivery room and got set up to have my labor progress.

At about 10pm Wednesday night Dr Johnson came in and we decided to break my water to see if that would get things going a bit more naturally before introducing pitocin (the labor induction drug.) Once my water broke, the contractions got super intense. As time went on, they got much MUCH stronger and eventually they were so strong I couldn’t think straight. I also started to shiver uncontrollably so much that the fetal monitors on my belly were bouncing loudly and it was getting hard to hear the baby’s heart beat. My contractions became so intense that they were each two minutes long (typically a contraction is 45 to 60 seconds) and they were also one on top of the next, so I was getting no rest in between.

Thursday, October 4th around midnight: I was by now begging for my epidural and our nurse put the call into the anesthesiologist but he was caught up in two emergency c-sections and could not get to me right away. Sometime around 3am he finally came in and I was beside myself with pain. I couldn’t believe how bad it was! I was surprised how long the epidural process takes, but 10 min or so after it finally got in I was starting to feel better. By now I was dilated to 5cm and they wanted me to rest as much as possible before I was fully dilated and would have to push. They shut the lights off and told us to nap but we were in the room right next to the emergency c-section room and there was lots of foot-traffic noise and people hollering to each other, so of course I didn’t get any real rest. Besides that, the epidural made my blood pressure drop quite low and it kept setting off the emergency "low blood pressure" alarms about every 5 - 10 minutes. Aaron started shutting it off in his sleep! I had to holler at him to wake up and press the nurse call button so they could increase my IV fluids and make me feel better and get my blood pressure back to a safe level.

After a while, my nurse came in to check me a bit before 6am. She said I was fully dilated to 10cm and although I was kind of glad, I was mostly freaked out because she also said the baby had quite a molded head which was an indication he may be too big to fit, and also I was SO EXHAUSTED!!! I knew there was just about no way I could push a baby out after having been in what I thought was labor the whole day before and having no sleep for the last two nights, and here I am at 6am the third day wondering if I can push out a baby they are concerned might be too big for me. I tried to tell Aaron and the nurse (our nurse, Becky, was a godsend!) that I was too exhausted to push and I didn’t think I could do it. Becky said she talked to Dr Johnson and he said I should try to push for half an hour at least and see if I could bring the baby’s head down and make some progress which would indicate I could probably get him out. I pushed for quite a while but they had to turn down my epidural so I could better feel how to push. I was starting to feel a LOT OF PAIN AND PRESSURE at this point!!!

I was also back into the uncontrollable shivering with my epidural worn down and with my two-minute contractions and me pushing as hard as I could on top of them, the baby’s heart rate was dropping to an unsafe level. They asked me if they could put a probe up the birth canal and into the baby’s skull to make sure he was okay. I said “fine, just make sure he’s okay.” Then they were concerned about the amount of pressure my contractions were exerting so they had to bring in another person to insert some kind of other probe to monitor the strength of the contractions and make sure they were effective. The baby was still showing some signs of distress and by now I was in an almost panic besides my pain.

About an hour and a half of pushing later it was about 7:30am, they said the baby was coming down okay. I didn’t believe them though as Aaron and Becky were encouraging me! I just wanted that baby OUT so I would be out of pain and he would be safe outside of me. The baby’s heart rate kept dropping with each long contraction so they gave me the pitocin (induction) drug to see if it would help break up my naturally long contractions and get me into a more manageable contraction pattern. I also had to try to breathe with an oxygen mask on because the baby wasn’t doing too well, but I have a terrible claustrophobic fear of those masks and had a very hard time dealing with that while trying to push.

Finally Dr Johnson came and and had me push three times on one long contraction, try to breathe through the next one, then push on the third, etc. It helped me to catch my breath a bit. The baby was still not doing well so they had me roll onto my left side and I had to push while on my side. That was SO uncomfortable and I hated it, but at this point there was nothing else I could do and I was in so much pain that was all I could think about. Then they rolled me back onto my back for me to finish pushing as the baby was almost crowning. I had been pushing for two hours at this point.

By now it was about 8:00am and the next thing I remember the doctor was throwing his delivery clothes on and telling me just to breathe and not push, but I couldn’t! My body was pushing without me! They said the head was out but I sure couldn’t tell. It just felt painful. Then all of the sudden with a big gush the baby’s body came out and I felt the hugest relief of my entire life! Everyone was cheering and I could finally open my eyes and breathe as they plopped Levi onto my belly. He was a wet and bloody mess and he was the MOST BEAUTIFUL creature I had ever laid eyes on. He was born at 8:12am.

I grabbed Levi’s wet body and he clamped his tiny fingers so tightly around my finger it was a moment I’ll never forget! I was crying and laughing so hard I couldn’t hardly see at all anymore, but it was the most joyous moment in my life. Later, Aaron recalled that in that moment I was laughing, crying, and shaking but it was “as beautiful as a ray of sunshine.” That is truly the way I remember it- SUNSHINE.

The nurse took Levi by Aaron to get him cleaned up, warmed up and wrapped up. The nurse asked what his name was, and I smiled at Aaron and he said "Levi Clarence" with a big grin. Aaron held Levi close to my bed as they stitched me back up (I had quite a bit of tearing) and he kept asking me if I wanted to hold Levi, but I kept saying “no” because I was so exhausted I could hardly keep my eyes open or lift my arm and I knew if I tried to hold him I’d probably drop him. Besides, it was more than enough to see my darling husband cradling my gorgeous newborn son.

It was beyond A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!!

Levi Pictures!

HE IS HERE!!!

Introducing: Levi Clarence Lanka
Born: 10/4/07 at 8:12am
8lbs 7 1/2oz 20 1/2 inches long

We are soooo ecstatic. I had a very long and nasty labor but was eventually able to get him out safely and without a c-section. I will post all the details later, but we were sure scared he wasn't going to fit or tolerate labor once I was fully dialated. I was so tired I could hardly push, but somehow I did it!!!

He is absolutely the most BEAUTIFUL thing I have ever seen. I am beside myself with joy!

Hopefully now that my milk is in and he figured how to latch on today and my mom is here with us now for a week I will get caught up on my much needed sleep. Pics will come soon, but I'm too exhausted to deal with it right now. Stay tuned!

Quick Labor Update:

i have to be quick as i am on my way back to the hospital. the cervidil (cervix softening gel to get things going) cramped me up so bad last night that i was CONVINCED i was in labor. the cramps and contractions were 3-5 min apart for about 3 hrs and we went to the hospital but they said the cervix was still at 1 or 2 and thick and they sent me home. i lost it! i sobbed because i was in so much pain already and here they are telling me its nothing and to go home. the cervidil caused constant cramping so it was hard to tell what was what. this am i went to the dr and he said im at 2cm and still thick at about 45% and talked to us about the risks of having such a big baby. he went over the risk of the baby getting stuck and the option of scheduling a c-section instead. we think going ahead with a second dose of cervadil this afternoon at 3 is the best bet, and if i end up with a c-section later then that's how it goes. im just worried about the baby's head being delivered and then not getting the shoulders out, but i have to keep reminding myself how rare that is and that hopefully they'll notice something first and God will keep watching over us and keep us all safe.

i'm on little sleep and very freaked out about going through the cervidil pain again all night tonight. please keep me, the baby, and aaron in your prayers!!! i'll post as soon as i can but it might not be for a couple of days.

"Happy Due Date To Meeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Well, it's October 1st and there's no baby here yet! We went to the doctor today and I'm still stuck at 1 centimeter like I have been for two weeks. We had an ultrasound while we were there and the US tech is estimating the baby at 8lbs 10oz today!
Ummm, say what?..

She said he'll keep getting bigger as this week goes on. Hopefully she's off by a bit. She did say she "could" be off by a full pound, so I'm hoping it's a pound smaller and not bigger!

The doctor scheduled me to be at the hospital tomorrow at 6am to have them administer a cervical ripening agent. They'll keep me for at least an hour and see if that makes me go into labor on its own. Most likely they'll send me home and see what happens. Then I go back to my OB's office Wednesday morning for him to check things out and see what happens next.

We will call or somehow notify everyone as soon as we can, so please be patient with us to return your calls. We'll post pics as soon as we can as well.
Here's what I looked like today, making kabobs for supper. Lookin' and feelin' pretty BIG...

Two weeks to go:

Hi Everyone,

Well we have two weeks left til our due date and Aaron has been a huge help in getting everything ready for the baby to get here. This week he installed both of the car seat bases, put together two bookcases for the baby's room, put together the swing, and is working on getting some extra shelving in the baby's closet. I'll post some nursery pics when I get some decor in there. All I have left is minor details as far as cleaning and getting my hospital bag packed as much as possible. I am starting to become a lot more excited as each day goes by. I am so curious what this little boy is going to look like! He's being pretty good not kicking me too hard. He just lets me know he's in there and having fun, and I love it! Here are a couple of pics of me in my regular "around the house" gear. I think I look bigger here than I do in my official belly pics post below...

The countdown begins!

Can this be real? Only 30 days left til our due date? Although we pretty much have all our "stuff" I sure don't feel *ready*. When does that part happen? I figure NEVER.

Here's some pics of Aaron getting our Pack 'n Play together. We are going to use this as the bassinet in our room until I'm ready for the baby to sleep in his crib in his own room. I don't even have a guess as to when I'll be ready for that, although I'm pretty sure Aaron will be ready for both me and the baby to move into the guest bedroom when those long nights start to drag on and on. :)

Baby Lanka FAQs

Baby's Official Due Date: October 1st, 2007

Baby's Gender: It's a BOY! The perinatologist says she's 100% sure. :)

Baby's Name: It's a secret until he makes his big debut. The first name is set, the middle name we're still working on.

Baby's Registry: Babies R Us and Target

Baby's favorite food: Seems to be berries and cherries. He goes wild with those!

Baby's First Pictures: Here are some pics from our ultrasound at 18 weeks:

Belly Pictures

Here is a little montage of how our baby belly is growing:

Nearly 38 weeks: Two weeks to go! (9/15/07)

Nearly 34 weeks (8/18/07)


30 weeks (taken 7/22/07):



















24 weeks (6 months):
















19 weeks (almost 4 months):



















14 weeks: